5 Common Strategies That Sabotage Relationship Repair
Are you and your partner stuck in the same fight over and over again?
When relationships hit rough patches—whether from a major betrayal, ongoing conflict, or accumulated resentments—most couples fall into predictable patterns that feel protective but actually prevent healing. These strategies are completely human and understandable, but they don't work.
The Negative Cycle That Keeps You Stuck
After significant relationship damage, most couples get trapped in what therapists call a "negative cycle." Here's how it typically unfolds:
One partner becomes flooded with pain, anxiety, or anger. The other partner shuts down, gets defensive, or reacts with shame. Both people are trying to protect themselves emotionally, but ironically, these protective moves end up deepening the original wound.
The result? You're both fighting for the relationship while simultaneously pushing each other away.
Renowned couples therapist Terry Real identified what he calls the "Five Losing Strategies"—patterns that emerge when we're hurt and trying to protect ourselves but that ultimately damage our connections. Let's look at these five common strategies that keep couples stuck in painful loops—and what actually works instead.
1. The Need to Be Right
What it looks like:
"You're the one who caused this problem—I don't have to listen to you."
"I only acted that way because you were being unreasonable."
Bringing up past grievances to "win" current arguments
Focusing on facts and timelines instead of feelings and needs
Why it doesn't work: When you're determined to be right, you turn your relationship into a courtroom. But relationships aren't about winning cases—they're about understanding each other. You can either win the argument or rebuild connection. Rarely can you do both.
What works instead: Focus on understanding rather than being understood. Ask yourself: "What is my partner really trying to tell me underneath their words?" Getting curious about your partner's experience, even when you disagree, opens the door to real resolution.
What this sounds like:
"I can see you're really frustrated. Help me understand what's going on for you right now."
"I have a different perspective, but I want to hear yours first. What matters most to you about this?"
"You know what? I'm getting caught up in being right instead of understanding you. Can we start over?"
2. Trying to Control the Outcome
What it looks like:
"You need to do X, Y, and Z, or I'm done with this relationship."
"You need to stop bringing up the past—I already apologized."
Making ultimatums instead of requests
Trying to force reassurance or compliance
Why it doesn't work: Attempting to force safety or change through control creates more resistance and resentment. When people feel controlled, they either rebel or comply resentfully—neither leads to genuine repair. Trust and safety have to be earned through consistent actions, not demanded through threats.
What works instead: Make clear requests instead of demands. Focus on your own actions and responses rather than trying to control your partner's. Build safety through predictable, caring behavior over time, not through rules and monitoring.
What this sounds like:
"I can't make you do anything, but I can tell you what would help me feel more secure. Would you be willing to..."
"Instead of demanding this from you, let me share what I'm afraid of and see if we can figure this out together."
3. Unbridled Emotional Expression
What it looks like:
"You make me sick. I'll never trust you again. You've ruined everything."
"You always do this. You're just like your mother/father."
Letting every raw emotion spill out without filter
Using hurtful, character assassinating language when triggered
Why it doesn't work: While it's important to express your feelings, dumping every raw emotion without any regulation can retraumatize both you and your partner. Healing requires both expression and containment. When we're completely unfiltered, we often say things that create new wounds instead of healing old ones.
What works instead: Learn to pause and regulate yourself before speaking. You can be honest about your pain without being destructive. Take time to identify what's familiar about this feeling and what core wound is being triggered, then communicate your pain in a vulnerable, self-responsible way.
What this sounds like:
"I'm so angry I could scream, but underneath that I'm really scared we're falling apart. I need your reassurance that you still love, because I feel so disconnected and like we can’t reach each other at all…"
"When you said that, something old got triggered in me. I felt small and rejected, like I did as a kid. It’s so painful for me when I feel that way. Can you reassure me that you don’t see me as small and worthless, and also try to communicate differently with me about it?"
"I'm having huge feelings right now. Give me ten minutes to breathe, and then I want to share what's really going on for me." (And then go and unpack what is triggering you so that you can communicate from a clear and self-responsible place.)
4. Retaliation and Punishment
What it looks like:
Withholding affection, sex, or kindness to "teach them a lesson"
Bringing up their mistakes whenever they point out yours
Making them feel how I felt through indirect punishment
Keeping score of wrongs and rights
Why it doesn't work: Retaliation might feel powerful in the moment, but it builds resentment instead of repair. When you're focused on making your partner pay for their mistakes, you're not focused on healing the relationship. Punishment strategies typically escalate conflict rather than resolve it.
What works instead: Focus on what you need going forward rather than making your partner pay for the past. Instead of punishment, try repairing.
What this sounds like:
"I want to punish you right now, but that's not going to help us. What I really need is to feel like you understand how much this hurt me."
"Instead of making you pay for what happened, I want to talk about how we can rebuild trust. Are you willing to work on that with me?"
"I'm tempted to shut you out, but what I actually need is to feel close to you again. Can we figure out how to do that?"
5. Emotional Withdrawal
What it looks like:
Shutting down instead of engaging in difficult conversations
Burying yourself in work, parenting, or other distractions
Going silent when conflict arises
Physically or emotionally checking out of the relationship
Why it doesn't work: When the pain feels too overwhelming, it's natural to want to disappear. But while withdrawal might provide temporary relief, silence becomes its own form of abandonment. Your partner can't repair what they can't access, and problems don't resolve themselves in the space of avoidance.
What works instead: Learn to stay present even when it's uncomfortable. If you need space, communicate that clearly and set a specific time to reconnect—then follow through.
What this sounds like:
"I'm getting flooded and want to run away, but I don't want to abandon you or us. Can I take fifteen minutes to calm down, and then we keep talking?"
"This conversation is really hard for me, but you matter too much to just shut down. Help me stay present with you."
"I know I go quiet when things get intense. That's not fair to you. What I'm really feeling is scared and overwhelmed. Can you be patient while I find my words?"
The Truth About Relationship Repair
Here's what doesn't work: You can't logic, control, vent, punish, or avoid your way back to intimacy.
Here's what does work:
Speak vulnerably, not vindictively - Share your feelings without attacking your partner's character
Stay open, even when it's scary - Resist the urge to shut down or retaliate when triggered
Regulate yourself so you can reconnect - Learn to manage your emotional state so you can engage constructively
Real healing happens in relationship. You don't fix the past—you repair in the present moment, one conversation at a time.
Moving Forward Together
If you recognize these patterns in your relationship, you're not broken—you're human. These strategies develop for good reasons in childhood, but they outlive their usefulness when we mature into adulthood and need more sophisticated strategies in our interpersonal relationships.
The good news? Once you understand the cycle you're stuck in, you can begin to interrupt it. Start small: Notice when you're falling into one of these patterns, pause, and try a different approach.
Remember, both partners usually contribute to negative cycles, and both can contribute to breaking them. The goal isn't perfection—it's progress, one interaction at a time.
Healing damaged relationships takes courage, patience, and often professional support. But when both people are willing to step out of their protective strategies and into genuine vulnerability, profound repair becomes possible.