Why Accepting Compliments is so Hard
Understanding Your Body's Response to Praise
Someone says, "You did such a beautiful job," and instantly you deflect:
"Oh, it was nothing."
"Anyone could have done it."
"My team did all the work."
If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. Many of us—especially women—struggle with accepting praise, even when we're confident in other areas of our lives.
When Your Body Says "No" to Kind Words
Here's what's really happening: compliments are a form of attention, and attention activates your nervous system. If being seen felt unsafe in your past—through criticism, judgment, or worse—your body learned to associate visibility with danger.
Deflecting that compliment isn't just modesty. It's your nervous system's way of staying safe by becoming invisible again.
Many women also grew up with contradictory messages: achieve, but don't be proud. Shine, but don't outshine others. Compliments trigger this old conflict, so brushing them off feels easier than sitting with the discomfort.
The Stories We Inherit
There's something deeper at work too. For generations, women's survival often meant staying small and modest. Being too visible could mean punishment or worse.
We carry these ancestral patterns in our bodies. Research shows that trauma and survival strategies can actually be passed down through our genes—children of Holocaust survivors show measurable genetic changes related to stress response, and maternal trauma can affect children and grandchildren.
When your body tenses at a compliment, it might be whispering an old survival message: Stay small. Stay safe.
Why This Matters
Learning to receive compliments isn't about ego—it's about healing. Each time you pause and let praise in, you're teaching your nervous system that it's safe to be seen. You're softening your inner critic and allowing yourself to integrate how others see you.
And here's the beautiful part: every time a woman receives a compliment openly, she's interrupting a generational pattern. She's honoring those who had to stay small while giving permission for future generations to expand.
Plus, compliments are relational. When we deflect them, we block connection. When we receive them, we let the other person know their recognition landed—deepening trust between you both.
How to Start
Try this the next time someone offers you praise:
Pause and breathe. Take a gentle inhale, then a longer exhale. This tells your nervous system you're safe.
Ground yourself. Feel your feet on the floor or place a hand on your heart. Let your body know it can hold this moment.
Notice the urge to shrink. Can you expand just 1–2% instead?
Honor your lineage. Silently acknowledge: "I know you had to stay small to survive. Today, I allow myself to be seen."
Simply say thank you. Two words, offered with presence, are enough.
These steps might feel awkward at first. That's completely normal. Each time you practice, you're gently rewriting not only your own story, but a much older one.
The Deeper Healing
Compliments aren't just social niceties—they're moments that touch our deepest patterns around visibility, safety, and belonging. Each time you choose to receive one, breath by breath, you're doing profound work: healing your nervous system, honoring your ancestors, and creating new possibilities for those who come after.
Slowly, you discover that it really is safe to shine.
Ready to explore this deeper? Our therapists at Brooklyn Somatic Therapy support individuals and couples in rewriting the stories held in both body and lineage, through somatic, psychodynamic, and family systems approaches—virtually and in-person.